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Do you ever feel like your world is crashing down on you all at once?

If it’s not one thing it seems to be another…

Everything comes spiraling like a tornado in the desert – there’s nothing more you can do than crouch in the smallest area while face down and covering your head… In doing that, you pray that holding on is enough to save your well being.

It’s nature’s course; A natural disaster.

It all takes place as if you were in a deep sleep, you hear someone yelling but you can’t bring yourself to wake or really “hear” what they are yelling about.

When things come crashing down, we tend to get overwhelmed with desolation and even exasperation before eventually breaking down all together. Your thoughts tell you to “keep it together” but that isn’t the case when life brings you down… Because, when you breakdown – you stop trying… Feeling like a hopeless soul wandering around.

With that being done, you learn in those times that nothing ever remains picture perfect, things don’t always go as planned, and life does bring affliction from time to time. However, you also learn that in time – may be best to stop pushing yourself with pressure so much. Sometimes it’s better to not “figure it out”; You let it go and go with the flow of things. Because when you think about it, a million things could be going wrong in existence yet you still have a million and one things to be grateful for… Creations are full of blessings, even if you don’t realize it at first.

Often times when we find ourselves in these hardships in a period of our lives, we get caught up in the emotions, anxiety and anger with all that has happened to us. It happens, but life happens. We remain so focused on the negative that we forget to appreciate what is right. We get so caught up with the bullshit that it’s difficult to see the good around us.

So what do we do? Breathe. Take step back.

Reflect on yourself. Reflect on what’s important. Reflect on the blessings.

You may lose sight of things but never lose your faith.

Trust in Him; Pieces always come together… 🖤

 

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Anxiety 2 Art

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People ask what it’s like living with anxiety, and to put it plainly – anxiety fucking sucks.

It’s the overthinking and breakdowns from all that has built up.

It’s getting excited to go somewhere only to bring it down because of the process in getting ready – anxiety hits you like a ton of bricks. There you have it, that is the disorder in a nutshell. It conveys you when you least expect it.

Anxiety transpires into every aspect of your life: It controls the way you think, feel – it’s your actions on a day to day basis.

Unfortunately, it feels like you’re drowning – there is no saving yourself.

In the presence of it’s upcoming: the finger biting, lip picking, leg twitching and foot tapping is just the jist of it all. Anxiety follows me like the devil on my shoulder.

My body immediately gets overstimulated and causes me to get overwhelmed in even the most minor situations.

My thoughts race faster than I can catch up with them. My eyes emerge with tears which in that moment – I could create a waterfall of them.

Living with anxiety makes me look like a stuck up asshole for numerous reasons: I hate talking on the phone, I don’t like creating conversations with strangers, I can’t ask for a condiment by myself at a restaurant, I either respond to text messages too embarrassingly fast or “years later” because I don’t want to seem like an idiot for writing something stupid.

Some days are harder than others. & it’s either I feel everything at once or I feel absolutely nothing – again, there is no in between.

I don’t mean to be a dick, but I find it hard to talk to people and normally if needing to present in front of other people – my body gets hot and I start stuttering.

It’s hard for eye contact depending on who the person is, because if I am not comfortable enough around you – I will keep distant. In the crowd, I feel like I am constantly being looked at and judged; Like everyone somehow knows all my mistakes and can see my flaws.

In groups, I am typically the quiet one given’ who we are with or where we are at. Most think I am shy, and sure. I can come across that way but really when I say I am shy, I mean that I am an anxious being and scared of making a fool of myself.

Anxiety means that I fear failing.

Anxiety means I will start freaking out over things, big or small. Anxiety means I will have to remove myself from scenes due to overthinking and because I feel my breaths getting deeper and deeper and it is only a ticking time bomb before it turns into hyperventilation.

My meltdowns will happen at the most inconvenient moments and there is nothing I can do to cease it. However, anxiety also means that I will cry in the shower or the bathroom at work because I am mentally and emotionally exhausted from my own thoughts and terrified for my own well being.

I get anxious as I type this and am so irritable and snappy – truth is, I don’t mean to be. You see, when my body gets overstimulated, I can’t handle it. I don’t know what to do with myself at times.

Even when anxious, some will never know. It isn’t always visible, it’s hard to keep composed. What do I do? Remove myself, once more. Taking myself out of the equation makes me seem stuck up or anti social.

Anxiety means nothing is ever okay, nothing is fine. Even when I say that I am, just know that that is 80% of time – it is a lie.

One things fershure, I am just trying to get through my day to day tasks. I just want to be genuinely liked and wanted; I want to be needed and consoled. I just want to feel like I belong in this world and anxiety keeps me from thinking otherwise.

Anxiety means that I am told to “calm down” or “relax” quite often. The last thing an anxious person wants to hear is that. In reality when these things are said, it in fact intensifies my reaction. It makes it worse…

Anxiety means that my stress level goes from 0-100 real quick. My fears also go into a deeper level. It’s shitty to live like this.

What those don’t understand is living anxious is more than being beyond stressed. People think they can relate and most actually romanticize it and self diagnose thinking you are the same… No, that’s not how it works. Stress and anxiety can be inherently different. People may be genuine however, doesn’t necessarily mean that your anxiety is. With that being said, when you try to be empathetic – it may be truth but it isn’t helpful.

Anxiety is toxic. Anxiety is exhausting: emotionally, mentally, and even physically. 

It’s distracting, makes me forgetful, snappy, lazy and unproductive most days.

Pills are a last resort to keep sane and the last thing I want is to feel is this fucking way.

In all honesty, anxiety is being attacked from something you have no control overit’s being brought down by something you can’t flee from. 

It holds you down like an anchor…

Remember this: you’re stronger than all battles. You’re a warrior and you’re not alone. ❤

P.S. Know the DIFFERENCE between worrying and anxiety before you romanticize and claim to have it, please.

Self spoken ; 

Love you.

Love yours.

We all make mistakes and we all have flaws, that’s what makes us perfectly imperfect because there is never another quite like us.

We must appreciate ourselves down to the bone and that means taking in all we are as people.

How do we expect others to love us if we’re not willing to love ourselves first?

How could we love another being without being in love with ourselves first?

We give to receive and we listen to be heard.

But what those don’t get is we were also born to not be understood.

Why? Because women were not born to be tacited.

Though we live to learn acceptance within ourselves  and even each other.

However the most beautiful thing is finding someone who genuinely accepts you for you. To find someone who doesn’t understand you completely, yet rather accept you anyways has got to be such endowment.

Because that means they really do take us as we are, as we were born: Naked, flawed, & misinterpreted.

Being flawed has made us into a alluring spawns, and we only ever blossom 💕

Don’t be afraid to come as you are.

M2M ∞

Do you ever find yourself wallowing in the pith of your past?

It’s like finding yourself so attached in the wave of the notion, only to realize that moments turn to memories.

Strangers commence ever so often, precisely to leave their mark in your world – even if it conveys leaving you desolated and despaired.

Everything seems to become a memory; a recollection of thoughts and instances shared.

Whether good or bad- you self indulge of the importance of that person, or whatever it may be that has a hold on you.

Unfortunately, time doesn’t stand still for anything & it absolutely revolves around time. Seconds tick away and when the bomb drops – there is no getting back what you once possessed.

And so it either leaves you with jubilance or despondency. When it comes down to it – providence has it’s way of bringing you exactly what you’re meant to go through. Hence why it’s also called fate, you’ll get where you need to be… given time.

See, all in all – everything is circulated around TIME.

Anyways, spiraling down from the high that one previously proffered, it’s indisputably  like coming off of a drug you struggle with- mentally, emotionally, and sometimes even physically.

You go through the emotions of disbelief, it still shocks you. You tell yourself it’s unreal and that it’ll go back to normal the next day.

You go through the confusion and anger of who is to blame – which brings the stages of guilt. That’s normal, because you question yourself on what more you could’ve done to possibly “keep using” without killing yourself of overdose.

It happens – hardships are apart of life, there is no escaping the tribulation your heart will assimilate.

Yes, moments turn to memories. With that being said, you’ll also discover that reminiscing is entirely standard. Thoughts of back then will speed through your brain faster than you can even catch up, it can be a lot to take in – that’s fershure!

The smallest things will cause flashbacks and you will get them randomly… Which can then rise your anxiety in an instant; Cus’ maybe you were doing quite exceptional without them – last thing you want to be is in a puddle of tears shopping at Walmart because you came across their favorite soccer team’s jersey.

It’s uncomfortable watching movies in knowing that you have encountered it with them. As simple as a movie, it’s the moments shared within’ that hr & thirty minutes that matter, okay? Remember, it’s the little things here. Perhaps that person knew every line word for word, so prior before the script was said- they repeated it which brought you a giggle and them a smile.

Say that one artist comes on pandora or you can’t bring yourself to listen to a song such as “Ocean Avenue” because there came a time where they sang it to you as it played, doing air guitar like a complete rockstar.

Perhaps their contagious laugh grew on you like a flower to the sun. Or conceivably, the sound of their voice brought such heaven, it matched their angelic eyes so impeccably. Maybe, it was the way words were spoken so softly – the phrases repeat in your head.

Don’t you see? Time has a way of guiding us back to the past, it has a way of sending us signs and the flashbacks are a complete illusion you wish were reality. Time gives you reality checks and before you know – it all flashes right before your eyes.

When moments turn to memories, you know that everything had a meaning in it’s role. That person played a significant part in your life; so much that you wish to hold on to them… And you do. But is it genuinely them – or the memories you two divided?

Either way: the dialogue is over and the script is done being written for their chapter. Though it seems like their chapter was longer than others due to the emotions precipitated & times shared, know that there is more to come in the next…

Moments turn to memories, yet when it’s over – those memories live on like fingerprints on your heart, they’ve touched your soul… And time will keep them there forever.

After all, there will always be a part of them inside you.

Unraveled

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I can’t take it anymore, I say I hate you but truth is you still manipulate my thoughts. Trapped in my brain- it feels as though you’ll never drain out.

Fail to seize yet successfully found the reality you hid behind your contradicting fibs.

It was all an illusion and it quietly seems to play through. Despite the damage, I nevertheless see good in you.

Try to be stronger than my battles but when it comes to you, I’m extremely fragile.

When eyes adjoin, your face appears- Haunting my dreams of all broken fears.

You’ll never fathom just exactly what you meant & now I’m immovable with substantial regret.

It’s incredible how little contrition you feel, never showed sorrow for all humiliation revealed. Perspective so clear, actions are instantly sincere. You were not at all genuine, but more like a complexion.

A malicious monster, manipulative man; insecure alcoholic, an abusive diabolic. As powerful as a pair, you are like two in one, because you weren’t always that way yet majority of time you stayed calling me names.

Left with shameful doubt, I continue to struggle with self worth. How could one person make another feel like straight dirt?

I was doing well until’ you came along, allowed to be mistreated and disrespected more than beyond.

Maybe it is my fault, gave too many chances. You should’ve been kicked to the curb after you exerted disturbance.

Brooding in predicament, I thought you were my medicine but you turned out to be the poison disguised as innocent.

Not who I thought you were nor who you claimed to be- turned out to be my worst enemy. You’re worse than expected, that’s fershure- should’ve listened to my intuition, but I avoided as long as I could.

Ignored every person who warned me about you, but red flags wouldn’t stop until’ the bombs blew.

Situation being unavoidable, I despise detecting you out; Alcohol in me got one ready to take flight.

Frontin’ like I don’t give a fuck but honestly, you destroyed me.

Conniving and vindictive: Ways will never change- good luck with the next, you’re a dawg and you know I have proof of that…

You shattered to pieces, not only did you get caught up twice but you wanted my help with some girl- too bad you paid the price.

Now if you truly cared for “Alyssa”, you wouldn’t have sent that text. And if you see this, you’ll know exactly what I meant.

Came over at 2am, you fell asleep after- Learn to put a passcode on your phone and you wouldn’t have a disaster transpire.

Still got love for you but I have ZERO respect, so I’m laying some truth out for your friends to connect.

Karma will take care of you and God will judge you, so when you finally realize what was here, please don’t reappear.

Out of sight, out of mind- but you remain in my heart where you burned me so unkind.

Your world will spiral out of control, how does it feel now? To unravel a few of secrets you thought would stay weighed down.

Welcome 2017! Here are some reminders…

  1. Take risks, for you only have one life to live. Get out of your comfort zone! Whatever happens, happens. It’s a blessing either way, if you win, you win. If not, well we all have to take a loss sometimes, but atleast you’ll be wiser- right?
  2. Think positive, you cannot live with a negative mind. Nothing good will come from critical judgement. Train your mind to see the positive in all situations, miracles are everywhere. Positivity is key, you can do this!
  3. Live freely, screw what people think or have to say. Do what makes you happy! Be you, be free, live in the moment. You’ll feel on top of the world with less cares.
  4. Be kind, this goes for yourself and others. Give a compliment to a stranger, hold doors open for people, offer them a helping hand, it doesn’t cost to be kind. It just needs a caring heart.
  5. Help people, you don’t need a reason to. Just do it, because you might be the only person who does. It’s the little things that mean the most and frankly, it goes a long way. Make a difference and be the change you wish to see in the world.
  6. Spread love, wherever you go or may be- don’t let one come to you without feeling happier. Your vibes is what’s going to attract your surroundings, make it a good one. Give hugs to one another, be at peace with those around you.
  7. Smile more, simply because you’re living and life is a beautiful journey. Smile because your smile is contagious and the world thinks so too! Plus, you still have teeth… Haha! You better show them.☺
  8. Give your all, it’s all about passion. If it’s not there, then don’t do it. But when you’re older and looking back on your years, you’ll know that you did all you could and won’t have to worry about the “what ifs” because you’d already given your best. You will be so grateful with the strength you had and how far you came since then.