Do you ever feel like the weight of everybody else is on your shoulders?
Do you ever feel like you’re not going to be good enough no matter how hard you try?
Do you ever feel like nobody genuinely likes you & that people only talk to you because they feel bad for you?
It sucks and leaves you with the feeling of feeling beyond shitty.
Bad enough I tend to already worry, overthink and create absolutely ridiculous scenarios but damn- Either this anxiety thing is seriously kicking my ass or I am in all honesty losing my fucking mind. Maybe both?
We’re going to go with that so I don’t feel as bad nor straight loca for the emotions that have taken over my mind and sentiment state.
Though the constant need to feel like I need to apologize for feeling so deeply is past me, I won’t do it anymore. Just because it’s okay to feel and express yourself. So instead, I will clasp this time to self indulge in my own despondency, nobody else has to- right?
Fuck, nobody will even take the time to check in and ask if I am okay…
Even though one will most likely fib and use the typical, “I’m fine” dash, it’s still nice for somebody else to notice you haven’t been yourself lately. It’s courteous to ask how others are doing rather than shunning possible reality of their world to the side.
And that’s the point: I will always ask how someone is doing. I will always ask if somebody needs a helping hand or guide. Why is it that nobody can do that for me?
Wanna know another shitty emotion? Feeling alone… Now there’s a difference between alone and lonely. I am no way in hell lonely, however when you feel this alone and lost, it can get lonely walking the path alone with no hand to hold onto & nobody to talk to.
Did I just contradict myself? Eh, who cares? Life is contradicting itself so I pity those who live their life like Mary fucking sunshine, alright.
Because real life problems do exist and people are living proof of disorders and life issues arise every day. Like a flock of fucking seagulls, this shit just hits me suddenly. There is no denying that. And what’s even worse is that I can’t help but feel EVERTHING at once.
It’s either the concern of everything or utterly nothing. Why is it these two cannot differentiate? Do you readers notice the questions I have questioned? Oh, and there goes another. Because this is what happens in my mind. A 1000 questions zoom through faster than speedy gonzales.
For those of you who don’t know me too well and tell me how joyous I always am because I am always smiling, laughing or shimming (which is a stupid dance I do), think again.
This is documentation on what nights are living with these disorder is and know that, this is only the beginning and nothing compared to the horrendous thoughts that actually come across my brain.
I once read that all emotional pain lasts 12 minutes, anything longer than that is self-inflicted. Call me skeptical, but I didn’t ask for this.
Okay, I don’t ask to feel like shit on sleepless nights and overthink every little thing in my life. I don’t ask for the tears that creep down my pillow at 2am or the constant battle of thinking what is it that I am doing wrong.
I hate this feeling, and sometimes I just don’t want to feel altogether.
Because it is exhausting- To be tired of being tired, fucking sucks balls.
If I knew the answers, I wouldn’t ask for help.
To strangers and friends reading this: I’m here, always.
And for those who live the same way I do, it’s not a bad life- just a bad night.
You’re a warrior battling yourself. Don’t give up! It’s nights like this that make us lose our shit but stronger than before…
& Lastly, thank you to whoever took the time to read and check out my blog. Embrace yourself, walking the path to life isn’t easy, but it’s a beautiful struggle. ♥