The Infliction


Do you ever feel like the weight of everybody else is on your shoulders?

Do you ever feel like you’re not going to be good enough no matter how hard you try?

Do you ever feel like nobody genuinely likes you & that people only talk to you because they feel bad for you?

It sucks and leaves you with the feeling of feeling beyond shitty.

Bad enough I tend to already worry, overthink and create absolutely ridiculous scenarios but damn- Either this anxiety thing is seriously kicking my ass or I am in all honesty losing my fucking mind. Maybe both?

We’re going to go with that so I don’t feel as bad nor straight loca for the emotions that have taken over my mind and sentiment state.

Though the constant need to feel like I need to apologize for feeling so deeply is past me, I won’t do it anymore. Just because it’s okay to feel and express yourself. So instead, I will clasp this time to self indulge in my own despondency, nobody else has to- right?

Fuck, nobody will even take the time to check in and ask if I am okay…

Even though one will most likely fib and use the typical, “I’m fine” dash, it’s still nice for somebody else to notice you haven’t been yourself lately. It’s courteous to ask how others are doing rather than shunning possible reality of their world to the side.

And that’s the point: I will always ask how someone is doing. I will always ask if somebody needs a helping hand or guide. Why is it that nobody can do that for me?

Wanna know another shitty emotion? Feeling alone… Now there’s a difference between alone and lonely. I am no way in hell lonely, however when you feel this alone and lost, it can get lonely walking the path alone with no hand to hold onto & nobody to talk to.

Did I just contradict myself? Eh, who cares? Life is contradicting itself so I pity those who live their life like Mary fucking sunshine, alright.

Because real life problems do exist and people are living proof of disorders and life issues arise every day. Like a flock of fucking seagulls, this shit just hits me suddenly. There is no denying that. And what’s even worse is that I can’t help but feel EVERTHING at once.

It’s either the concern of everything or utterly nothing. Why is it these two cannot differentiate? Do you readers notice the questions I have questioned? Oh, and there goes another. Because this is what happens in my mind. A 1000 questions zoom through faster than speedy gonzales.

For those of you who don’t know me too well and tell me how joyous I always am because I am always smiling, laughing or shimming (which is a stupid dance I do), think again.

This is documentation on what nights are living with these disorder is and know that, this is only the beginning and nothing compared to the horrendous thoughts that actually come across my brain.

I once read that all emotional pain lasts 12 minutes, anything longer than that is self-inflicted. Call me skeptical, but I didn’t ask for this.

Okay, I don’t ask to feel like shit on sleepless nights and overthink every little thing in my life. I don’t ask for the tears that creep down my pillow at 2am or the constant battle of thinking what is it that I am doing wrong.

I hate this feeling, and sometimes I just don’t want to feel altogether.

Because it is exhausting- To be tired of being tired, fucking sucks balls.

If I knew the answers, I wouldn’t ask for help.

To strangers and friends reading this: I’m here, always.

And for those who live the same way I do, it’s not a bad life- just a bad night.

You’re a warrior battling yourself. Don’t give up! It’s nights like this that make us lose our shit but stronger than before…

& Lastly, thank you to whoever took the time to read and check out my blog. Embrace yourself, walking the path to life isn’t easy, but it’s a beautiful struggle. ♥


Pain of the past


This is something I wrote 2 years ago when I was in a dark place…

Looking back on the pain of the past, it still haunts my mind.

Looking back on the pain of the past, who would’ve thought all this time?

It haunts me like a monster underneath my bed, but these monsters scream terrifying memories all in my head.

Making my heart feel so caved in, like I’m drowning in the ocean for all my sins.

At night is when my demons come out to play, testing my sanity of such a long way.

Surrounded by four walls, crying in the dark, it hasn’t gotten better with the time on the clock.

3am: Still drowning in my sorrows. It’s the pain of back then that feels like there’s no tomorrow.

Flashbacks of the abuse and destruction, only kill me inside. Wondering when I’ll be saved and stop sinking in the tide.

Looking back on the pain of the past, it still haunts my mind.

Looking back on the pain of the past, who would’ve thought all this time?

Will the pain of torture ever go away? I’m a piece of shit and I live it everyday.

Pain of the past, it survives in my brain. Like scars on my wrist, it’ll always remain…

The Process



This process isn’t the easiest to do, but in order to progress, to move forward and be satisfied with one self, it’s kind of what needs to happen in order to live entirely.

It takes the act of bravery to realize and accept, as well as the act to rectify the situation.

We need to check ourselves at times and observe what’s really going on… It’s okay to take a step back because it’s critical to reflect on what is happening.

The start of healing will come with time but it’s ultimately up to you to make it happen. Nobody can heal yourself for you, why else would I say it takes bravery?

Whether it’s emotional or physical pain, you must expand the gray matter. To emerge and be free, only means to embrace all as a whole.

Now we all experience some jeopardy at different levels. Yet it’s our mental state that is what needs the tender care & support to create happiness within.

You need to stop and let go of the fear, failure, and rejection. Take care of  yourself and your mind. We need to love ourselves to the fullest of our abilities & be one factually.

Just stop and think: Please create and invent. Who do you want to be? Do you want to be the person with more worries and stress upon the shoulders? Or do you want to be a calmer form? Don’t be so critical upon a single & situations, be optimistic. Because when it comes down to it- positivity will appear as character when you start carrying it with you.

And don’t be pessimistic, if your perspective is in a constant despondent state, how do you expect good things to transpire?

Remember that all experiences come with lesson, good and bad. But even with a bad situation comes a blessing in disguise. Why? Because you learn from it. Soak in the opportunity, accept it, but don’t shun it- Handle it.

Be kind to yourself and others. Recognize that once you start healing- you will heal altogether. Be patient because it is a process: mentally, physically, and emotionally. Spiritually, you will come connected.

The mind can be a scary place, but relinquish all and feel what you’re feeling.

Come as you are & and as reminder: There is nothing wrong with you, feeling so strongly, or having such energy.

Despite life situations & challenges that come with walking the path, life is a beautiful thing to live. May not be the simplest, but with a healthy you- Triumph is possible.

Take into consideration.


Alex ツ



It’s inevitable- Feelings suck, and breakups do too.

Nevertheless painful, it’s something we all must go through… For better or worse, these feelings change us as in individual; And can make one feel as low as the bottom of the ocean which can seem interminable.

The constant reflections of what is was, what could have been, and why it wasn’t arise like carrots in the dirt. Along the way comes the torturous self blame & the emotional inflicted questioning for everything that had ever gone wrong in the relationship. You question yourself- Why? How did this happen? What went wrong?  Then it all hits… The doubt of self worth: Why wasn’t I good enough?

Let me tell you something, yes you. To whomever reading this: Whether you went through a break up or are presently going through it- It may seem like it doesn’t get easier, but it will. Okay, maybe it doesn’t necessarily get “easier”, but you learn how to cope and I promise that in the end- You will survive. There’s no avoiding the pain your heart feels, you may not be able to fill that void, but I challenge you…

To let the pain sink in; Grieve. Cry when you have too, confide in a friend. Go for a run, hell! Even scream if you need too. Though it is important, important to feel what’s going on internally. Listen to your heart, but don’t blame yourself for something you had no control over. & That’s the thing: Shits going to happen in life that you can’t stop, but that’s no reason to harp and manifest on your own self worth.

You are worth it.

I know, 100% what it’s like and I still have my days and go through it. What do you expect? Being in love with that person for 6yrs, feelings don’t just go away with the switch of a light. Truth is, I don’t know if they ever will. My heart still aches and there’s not one day that goes by that I don’t think about the girl that stole my love and ran with it…

Some days are better than others, but when it hits- IT SINKS THE F*CK IN.

There are days where I burst into tears like I did the night it ended. To know what it’s like to lay awake all hours of the night questioning what I could have done to keep us alive, honestly- nothing. There’s so much crap I could write that I go through or what happens when I deal with the pain, but think about this and hear me out…

The 1st time you start questioning your self worth because of a relationship, shouldn’t that tell you something about THE relationship itself? It’s not you, I mean- We all have our moments, we make mistakes and fuck up; It’s called being human… But when you find yourself loathing over not being good enough when you have given all efforts and time, when you find yourself crying in the shower because you wonder what more you could possibly do when YOU are the only one determined to make it work- It’s not you.

Believe that.

You’re not perfect, you never will be. In fact, nothing in life is ever going to run the way you want it, and no matter what relationship you get into, it will be a lot of work. Relationships take time but putting the work in should be easy and effortless when you both want it. Nothing worth having comes easy. However. When you have an understanding of each other and see eye to eye, that’s when the relationship is benefiting you as well as your partner. And if you’re not getting back what you’re putting in, the effort isn’t equivalent, maybe you should rethink the relationship. Because again, the day you start self loathing in doubt, that’s not alright.

Breakups are hard, yes. We have to got through these times, they perceive as they may be never ending, but you will get through it. I promise you’ll be okay. In going through these difficult days, you’ll come to realize you’re stronger than you think. You’ll discover things about yourself as I have done, you will realize that THAT person doesn’t define you as a whole & never did; That person wasn’t even worthy of your love; & That person may have broken your heart but someone is gonna hurt them as they did to you…

You will realize one day, the breakup was the most hurtful yet rewarding thing to go through. Because you’re going to continue to grow and find yourself, you will learn to cope with life situations and realizing your own self love is the most important love to have. If you can’t nurture and love yourself first, you cannot give it to another.

So remember even on your worst days: You as a human being are worth every inch, and to love yourself. Know that- You will get through this, you’re reading from living proof.

Much love & Take care,

Alex ♥

Life is worth living & stories are worth telling.

Throughout this whole self discovery and finding balance within oneself, it’s still hard to fully believe that I am capable of achieving my long term goals. Truth, that’s where my anxiety plays a significant part…

It can be so stressful- The overthinking, over analyzing, the “what ifs & what nots”, I stress my own self out at times due to the hypothetical thinking; Cursed the mind of perpetual givin’ thoughts, it’s full of scenerios that are absolutely ridiculous and could no way in hell happen unless I fuck that up for myself- but even then, is that reality?

I have learned that even on my worst days, it’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay lose your shit, it’s okay to make mistakes, & it’s okay to even fail, however it is never okay quit. Never will I stop trying to be a better version of myself. And I damn sure won’t stop trying to better my future because I realize: I am capable of doing it. As difficult and stressful as it can be dealing with a worried soul & anxious mind, I know that nobody can stop me from what I want- Except myself. That’s where I draw the line, because I refuse to let the overthinking and breakdowns keep me from living & exceeding my full on potential.

Stronger than my battles, it doesn’t matter. I may struggle, but I won’t stop. And that’s what it is in all actuality: There will be obstacles. There will be mistakes. It is gonna be a lot of hard work… Time & Dedication- but nothing worth having ever comes easy.

I can do this.