Anxiety 2 Art

Anxious-Art--300x218.jpg

People ask what it’s like living with anxiety, and to put it plainly – anxiety fucking sucks.

It’s the overthinking and breakdowns from all that has built up.

It’s getting excited to go somewhere only to bring it down because of the process in getting ready – anxiety hits you like a ton of bricks. There you have it, that is the disorder in a nutshell. It conveys you when you least expect it.

Anxiety transpires into every aspect of your life: It controls the way you think, feel – it’s your actions on a day to day basis.

Unfortunately, it feels like you’re drowning – there is no saving yourself.

In the presence of it’s upcoming: the finger biting, lip picking, leg twitching and foot tapping is just the jist of it all. Anxiety follows me like the devil on my shoulder.

My body immediately gets overstimulated and causes me to get overwhelmed in even the most minor situations.

My thoughts race faster than I can catch up with them. My eyes emerge with tears which in that moment – I could create a waterfall of them.

Living with anxiety makes me look like a stuck up asshole for numerous reasons: I hate talking on the phone, I don’t like creating conversations with strangers, I can’t ask for a condiment by myself at a restaurant, I either respond to text messages too embarrassingly fast or “years later” because I don’t want to seem like an idiot for writing something stupid.

Some days are harder than others. & it’s either I feel everything at once or I feel absolutely nothing – again, there is no in between.

I don’t mean to be a dick, but I find it hard to talk to people and normally if needing to present in front of other people – my body gets hot and I start stuttering.

It’s hard for eye contact depending on who the person is, because if I am not comfortable enough around you – I will keep distant. In the crowd, I feel like I am constantly being looked at and judged; Like everyone somehow knows all my mistakes and can see my flaws.

In groups, I am typically the quiet one given’ who we are with or where we are at. Most think I am shy, and sure. I can come across that way but really when I say I am shy, I mean that I am an anxious being and scared of making a fool of myself.

Anxiety means that I fear failing.

Anxiety means I will start freaking out over things, big or small. Anxiety means I will have to remove myself from scenes due to overthinking and because I feel my breaths getting deeper and deeper and it is only a ticking time bomb before it turns into hyperventilation.

My meltdowns will happen at the most inconvenient moments and there is nothing I can do to cease it. However, anxiety also means that I will cry in the shower or the bathroom at work because I am mentally and emotionally exhausted from my own thoughts and terrified for my own well being.

I get anxious as I type this and am so irritable and snappy – truth is, I don’t mean to be. You see, when my body gets overstimulated, I can’t handle it. I don’t know what to do with myself at times.

Even when anxious, some will never know. It isn’t always visible, it’s hard to keep composed. What do I do? Remove myself, once more. Taking myself out of the equation makes me seem stuck up or anti social.

Anxiety means nothing is ever okay, nothing is fine. Even when I say that I am, just know that that is 80% of time – it is a lie.

One things fershure, I am just trying to get through my day to day tasks. I just want to be genuinely liked and wanted; I want to be needed and consoled. I just want to feel like I belong in this world and anxiety keeps me from thinking otherwise.

Anxiety means that I am told to “calm down” or “relax” quite often. The last thing an anxious person wants to hear is that. In reality when these things are said, it in fact intensifies my reaction. It makes it worse…

Anxiety means that my stress level goes from 0-100 real quick. My fears also go into a deeper level. It’s shitty to live like this.

What those don’t understand is living anxious is more than being beyond stressed. People think they can relate and most actually romanticize it and self diagnose thinking you are the same… No, that’s not how it works. Stress and anxiety can be inherently different. People may be genuine however, doesn’t necessarily mean that your anxiety is. With that being said, when you try to be empathetic – it may be truth but it isn’t helpful.

Anxiety is toxic. Anxiety is exhausting: emotionally, mentally, and even physically. 

It’s distracting, makes me forgetful, snappy, lazy and unproductive most days.

Pills are a last resort to keep sane and the last thing I want is to feel is this fucking way.

In all honesty, anxiety is being attacked from something you have no control overit’s being brought down by something you can’t flee from. 

It holds you down like an anchor…

Remember this: you’re stronger than all battles. You’re a warrior and you’re not alone. ❤

P.S. Know the DIFFERENCE between worrying and anxiety before you romanticize and claim to have it, please.

Untitled . .

tumblr_static_tumblr_static_7cok54o7t2ck08s0ggkcwwggo_640

Your name is always on the tip on my tongue, my lips call out for you as you’re the only one.

When our fingers intertwine, it’s like heaven without angels, because your affection is more than enough to carry my soul through all dangers.

Is this truth or reality? I don’t know if I am safe with you, but will you still come the day I tell you I need you?

You leave impressions on my heart that I will forever remember, yet how much longer will this last, givin’ we’re stubborn.

For better or worse, wrong or right- I defend your selfish wants like you’re entitled to despite.

Your skin so soft & I love the way you breathe. Your heartbeat next to mine, it puts me to sleep.

Breath taking life, I just wish you would feel, feel what’s going on- for your words are concealed.

Your actions (of reality) take place but they contradict, how am I suppose to know what’s real if you don’t show shit?

You give my body goosebumps that won’t go away. Your affection drives me as crazy as your drunken days.

Things get to me, and I am sorry that I can’t be perfect. I am too damaged, and truth is- I’m not even worth it.

I hate it when you avoid me, and even worse when you make me cry. Can’t stand that I’m so sensitive, we both know it’s ticking time?

So much has happened between us over these past few months, and it looks like you’ve said goodbye with no final touch.

No kiss, no hugs- just a bullshit text… Knew this was too good to be true, now I’m whose suffering with more overthinking thoughts.

I love you as a person- I love you as a friend, I only wish I was enough to keep this til’ the end. Your presence means more to me even on my worst days, you’re considered now and always.

This is a final note, sure to see you around and when I do, just know that my eyes go straight to you. You’re merely the person I see, your a good guy with selfish needs.

I forgive you for it all but do you forgive me? Guess time will tell, if this is meant to be, God will free.

Until’ then, your voice plays over in my head, making me feel crazier for words left unsaid.

So this is to the guy that made me fall for him over a little time, it’s your angelic eyes that pulled me in and the way you held me… I just wish you were mine.

F.P., this is for you- I’m so sorry I couldn’t make this right- but at night is when it hits and pours, tears on my pillow, I’m crying out for you more…

The Infliction

tumblr_of7li4esmz1sfoq8to1_500

Do you ever feel like the weight of everybody else is on your shoulders?

Do you ever feel like you’re not going to be good enough no matter how hard you try?

Do you ever feel like nobody genuinely likes you & that people only talk to you because they feel bad for you?

It sucks and leaves you with the feeling of feeling beyond shitty.

Bad enough I tend to already worry, overthink and create absolutely ridiculous scenarios but damn- Either this anxiety thing is seriously kicking my ass or I am in all honesty losing my fucking mind. Maybe both?

We’re going to go with that so I don’t feel as bad nor straight loca for the emotions that have taken over my mind and sentiment state.

Though the constant need to feel like I need to apologize for feeling so deeply is past me, I won’t do it anymore. Just because it’s okay to feel and express yourself. So instead, I will clasp this time to self indulge in my own despondency, nobody else has to- right?

Fuck, nobody will even take the time to check in and ask if I am okay…

Even though one will most likely fib and use the typical, “I’m fine” dash, it’s still nice for somebody else to notice you haven’t been yourself lately. It’s courteous to ask how others are doing rather than shunning possible reality of their world to the side.

And that’s the point: I will always ask how someone is doing. I will always ask if somebody needs a helping hand or guide. Why is it that nobody can do that for me?

Wanna know another shitty emotion? Feeling alone… Now there’s a difference between alone and lonely. I am no way in hell lonely, however when you feel this alone and lost, it can get lonely walking the path alone with no hand to hold onto & nobody to talk to.

Did I just contradict myself? Eh, who cares? Life is contradicting itself so I pity those who live their life like Mary fucking sunshine, alright.

Because real life problems do exist and people are living proof of disorders and life issues arise every day. Like a flock of fucking seagulls, this shit just hits me suddenly. There is no denying that. And what’s even worse is that I can’t help but feel EVERTHING at once.

It’s either the concern of everything or utterly nothing. Why is it these two cannot differentiate? Do you readers notice the questions I have questioned? Oh, and there goes another. Because this is what happens in my mind. A 1000 questions zoom through faster than speedy gonzales.

For those of you who don’t know me too well and tell me how joyous I always am because I am always smiling, laughing or shimming (which is a stupid dance I do), think again.

This is documentation on what nights are living with these disorder is and know that, this is only the beginning and nothing compared to the horrendous thoughts that actually come across my brain.

I once read that all emotional pain lasts 12 minutes, anything longer than that is self-inflicted. Call me skeptical, but I didn’t ask for this.

Okay, I don’t ask to feel like shit on sleepless nights and overthink every little thing in my life. I don’t ask for the tears that creep down my pillow at 2am or the constant battle of thinking what is it that I am doing wrong.

I hate this feeling, and sometimes I just don’t want to feel altogether.

Because it is exhausting- To be tired of being tired, fucking sucks balls.

If I knew the answers, I wouldn’t ask for help.

To strangers and friends reading this: I’m here, always.

And for those who live the same way I do, it’s not a bad life- just a bad night.

You’re a warrior battling yourself. Don’t give up! It’s nights like this that make us lose our shit but stronger than before…

& Lastly, thank you to whoever took the time to read and check out my blog. Embrace yourself, walking the path to life isn’t easy, but it’s a beautiful struggle. ♥

Pain of the past

tumblr_ndt8o8jcsn1rrhhiyo1_500

This is something I wrote 2 years ago when I was in a dark place…

Looking back on the pain of the past, it still haunts my mind.

Looking back on the pain of the past, who would’ve thought all this time?

It haunts me like a monster underneath my bed, but these monsters scream terrifying memories all in my head.

Making my heart feel so caved in, like I’m drowning in the ocean for all my sins.

At night is when my demons come out to play, testing my sanity of such a long way.

Surrounded by four walls, crying in the dark, it hasn’t gotten better with the time on the clock.

3am: Still drowning in my sorrows. It’s the pain of back then that feels like there’s no tomorrow.

Flashbacks of the abuse and destruction, only kill me inside. Wondering when I’ll be saved and stop sinking in the tide.

Looking back on the pain of the past, it still haunts my mind.

Looking back on the pain of the past, who would’ve thought all this time?

Will the pain of torture ever go away? I’m a piece of shit and I live it everyday.

Pain of the past, it survives in my brain. Like scars on my wrist, it’ll always remain…

Life is worth living & stories are worth telling.

Throughout this whole self discovery and finding balance within oneself, it’s still hard to fully believe that I am capable of achieving my long term goals. Truth, that’s where my anxiety plays a significant part…

It can be so stressful- The overthinking, over analyzing, the “what ifs & what nots”, I stress my own self out at times due to the hypothetical thinking; Cursed the mind of perpetual givin’ thoughts, it’s full of scenerios that are absolutely ridiculous and could no way in hell happen unless I fuck that up for myself- but even then, is that reality?

I have learned that even on my worst days, it’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay lose your shit, it’s okay to make mistakes, & it’s okay to even fail, however it is never okay quit. Never will I stop trying to be a better version of myself. And I damn sure won’t stop trying to better my future because I realize: I am capable of doing it. As difficult and stressful as it can be dealing with a worried soul & anxious mind, I know that nobody can stop me from what I want- Except myself. That’s where I draw the line, because I refuse to let the overthinking and breakdowns keep me from living & exceeding my full on potential.

Stronger than my battles, it doesn’t matter. I may struggle, but I won’t stop. And that’s what it is in all actuality: There will be obstacles. There will be mistakes. It is gonna be a lot of hard work… Time & Dedication- but nothing worth having ever comes easy.

I can do this.