mental-illness-please-romanticize-stop-Favim.com-3096077

 

Before, society wanted to “stop to stigma” because mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of. However, it’s as though mental illness has been a “trend” and society tends to romanticize it nowadays.

Yes, mental illness is nothing to be ashamed nor scared of – I live with mental illness every single day of my existence, but it is also nothing to yearn for or aspire to have.

Mental illness is not beautiful. It’s living with the devil on your shoulder and bringing you down constantly. Even when you think you’re doing “fine” and exceptional, it’s still hovering over waiting to make it’s move. And let me tell you, when that shit hits – it fucking BLOWS.

You see, mental illness is so immoderate; so consuming. It’s agonizing. Mental illness takes over every aspect of your life. There is nothing beautiful about it, pain isn’t alluring.

Mental illness is not adjectives to describe how the fuck your day is going. I hear so many people say, “I’m so depressed, I failed my test.” or how their boss is so “Bipolar.” Or maybe their mom is “Psychotic”. Maybe they lost at a video game so it’s, “Wow, I’m done – I’m gonna kill myself if I lose again.”

Society throws these terms around and it’s as though the whole world self diagnoses without even understanding what they mean.

No, you’re not depressed because your package came in late. And I’m sorry love, you’re not “anorexic” because you skipped a damn meal.

Romanticizing these terms and calling them beautiful, only hurts the ones who live with them on a day to day basis. It’s a daily battle and we’re lucky if we even get out of bed or leave the house. The struggle every day is whether or not to give up, do we keep livin’ or choose to die?

Please be considerate to those around you who face these complex challenges. Pain is pain, and it hurts.

 

Advertisements

Shattered Soul

headshot_by_maulwurf08

Your words stick to me like glue, but you’ll never realize – the damage you’ve caused along my brain.

It’s like a shot to my heart, causing skilled aim; your hit that only inflames my soul, drowning me in bloody shame.

What comes over you when you treat me like that?

You’re fucking me up and there’s no going back.

I never want to leave but I feel like I won’t be here much longer, because your hands on the trigger and your temper seems to get much bigger.

Maybe it’s my veracity that aggravates you or the way I gait back and forth, or maybe my screams that drive you berserk.

Well maybe it’s not me at all, maybe it’s you and having no self control. But what I don’t know won’t kill me, but it’ll surely hurt.

The more you open up pulls me in but when you belittle me, it’s like you beat me with a pistol. Your blows cause bruises along my body – until you can no longer recognize me.

Perhaps I can’t even recognize myself, therefore – Who am I anymore?

When I look in the mirror I don’t know who I’m looking at. You’ve dismembered my soul, and my bloodline runs flat.

 

When will I ever be worth it?

When will I ever be worth it?

Stopped calling names and told it’s ended.

It’s not an everyday occurrence but it might as well be, because you belittle and drown me every fucking week.

It could be the smallest of things or bickering back and forth, you end up treating me like shit making me feel like dirt.

It’s always something, or I’m “bitch”. You tell me to shut the fuck up or call it quits.

I always end up surrendering after losing my shit. What else am I suppose to do when you treat me like this?

You end up apologizing after realizing what you’ve said and done, “it’s never gonna happen again” you say, you put it on your sons.

But mistakes repeated are no longer mistakes, you’re choosing to break.

Flowers can’t always suffice for apologies, you need to change your ways.

Because if you don’t treat me right, someone else will, then what? It’s gonna be my fault why I left, you suck.

You always tell me you’re gonna be “better”, well I’m also sick of your false promises – they’re always broken.

You make me feel so low and not confident.

This is why I struggle with self worth; Your cousin did this same shit but you may be worse.

I just want to be worth it than most. I wanna mean something and be enough for it to stop. Just tell me you love me and lie, I’ll believe it eventually if not.

When will I ever be worth it?

Maybe you’ll care when I die, and you’ll regret the shitty things you done to me as you kiss me goodbye…. 😔

Poetic Sadness

No one understands what it’s like – to feel lost and lonely inside.

You wake up  wishing the pain would just go away, but it stays trapped in your mind like a vigorous wave.

Scars on my skin and scars on my soul; Some scars are exterior and others are within, they all tell a story but most stay hidden.

If you knew what went through my mind, you’d think the devil was confined. These demons have tried escaping through paper and time.

The tears I’ve cried are angels from heaven, they know I’m suffering carrying this burden.

I ask that that they keep me safe and heal my broken heart, but time will tell if I’m worth it or not.

Though this girl couldn’t be sad anymore, for I became numb. Somehow that got worse and death to a fixated curse.

Painted smiles on a face, it was the perfect disguise. It’s like a master at the brush telling infinite lies.

You see the dimples show through and a laugh so contagious, but my wrists are now stained and my eyes cry insane.

Not strong enough to continue any longer, so God take my soul – for this was too much to handle.

So I’m sorry to say that the devil has won the battle…

Now the angels cry of sadness as my funeral’s at the chapel.

The Infliction

tumblr_of7li4esmz1sfoq8to1_500

Do you ever feel like the weight of everybody else is on your shoulders?

Do you ever feel like you’re not going to be good enough no matter how hard you try?

Do you ever feel like nobody genuinely likes you & that people only talk to you because they feel bad for you?

It sucks and leaves you with the feeling of feeling beyond shitty.

Bad enough I tend to already worry, overthink and create absolutely ridiculous scenarios but damn- Either this anxiety thing is seriously kicking my ass or I am in all honesty losing my fucking mind. Maybe both?

We’re going to go with that so I don’t feel as bad nor straight loca for the emotions that have taken over my mind and sentiment state.

Though the constant need to feel like I need to apologize for feeling so deeply is past me, I won’t do it anymore. Just because it’s okay to feel and express yourself. So instead, I will clasp this time to self indulge in my own despondency, nobody else has to- right?

Fuck, nobody will even take the time to check in and ask if I am okay…

Even though one will most likely fib and use the typical, “I’m fine” dash, it’s still nice for somebody else to notice you haven’t been yourself lately. It’s courteous to ask how others are doing rather than shunning possible reality of their world to the side.

And that’s the point: I will always ask how someone is doing. I will always ask if somebody needs a helping hand or guide. Why is it that nobody can do that for me?

Wanna know another shitty emotion? Feeling alone… Now there’s a difference between alone and lonely. I am no way in hell lonely, however when you feel this alone and lost, it can get lonely walking the path alone with no hand to hold onto & nobody to talk to.

Did I just contradict myself? Eh, who cares? Life is contradicting itself so I pity those who live their life like Mary fucking sunshine, alright.

Because real life problems do exist and people are living proof of disorders and life issues arise every day. Like a flock of fucking seagulls, this shit just hits me suddenly. There is no denying that. And what’s even worse is that I can’t help but feel EVERTHING at once.

It’s either the concern of everything or utterly nothing. Why is it these two cannot differentiate? Do you readers notice the questions I have questioned? Oh, and there goes another. Because this is what happens in my mind. A 1000 questions zoom through faster than speedy gonzales.

For those of you who don’t know me too well and tell me how joyous I always am because I am always smiling, laughing or shimming (which is a stupid dance I do), think again.

This is documentation on what nights are living with these disorder is and know that, this is only the beginning and nothing compared to the horrendous thoughts that actually come across my brain.

I once read that all emotional pain lasts 12 minutes, anything longer than that is self-inflicted. Call me skeptical, but I didn’t ask for this.

Okay, I don’t ask to feel like shit on sleepless nights and overthink every little thing in my life. I don’t ask for the tears that creep down my pillow at 2am or the constant battle of thinking what is it that I am doing wrong.

I hate this feeling, and sometimes I just don’t want to feel altogether.

Because it is exhausting- To be tired of being tired, fucking sucks balls.

If I knew the answers, I wouldn’t ask for help.

To strangers and friends reading this: I’m here, always.

And for those who live the same way I do, it’s not a bad life- just a bad night.

You’re a warrior battling yourself. Don’t give up! It’s nights like this that make us lose our shit but stronger than before…

& Lastly, thank you to whoever took the time to read and check out my blog. Embrace yourself, walking the path to life isn’t easy, but it’s a beautiful struggle. ♥

Pain of the past

tumblr_ndt8o8jcsn1rrhhiyo1_500

This is something I wrote 2 years ago when I was in a dark place…

Looking back on the pain of the past, it still haunts my mind.

Looking back on the pain of the past, who would’ve thought all this time?

It haunts me like a monster underneath my bed, but these monsters scream terrifying memories all in my head.

Making my heart feel so caved in, like I’m drowning in the ocean for all my sins.

At night is when my demons come out to play, testing my sanity of such a long way.

Surrounded by four walls, crying in the dark, it hasn’t gotten better with the time on the clock.

3am: Still drowning in my sorrows. It’s the pain of back then that feels like there’s no tomorrow.

Flashbacks of the abuse and destruction, only kill me inside. Wondering when I’ll be saved and stop sinking in the tide.

Looking back on the pain of the past, it still haunts my mind.

Looking back on the pain of the past, who would’ve thought all this time?

Will the pain of torture ever go away? I’m a piece of shit and I live it everyday.

Pain of the past, it survives in my brain. Like scars on my wrist, it’ll always remain…