1st post of 2018

 

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Hello fellow readers, bloggers, and world. It’s been over 6 months since my last post, so I’m not going to lie to you guys – it feels quite offbeat being back. I’m not sure where to inaugurate so I’m just throwing myself out there.

For many unaware, my health has been shit for about 4-5 months. It started out with everything I ate was making me feel nauseous. Eventually, it went away. Yet as that died down, it gradually took over my head. I was constantly disoriented, dizzy, light-headed; Truth is, the only time I felt “fine” is when I was sleeping, so I started sleeping more. Naps in the day got longer and I would sleep up until’ I had to go to work. It got even worse with headaches and migraines on the daily and I didn’t feel like myself. I would cry to my boyfriend saying that something worse was wrong and that I felt like I was losing my damn mind. I didn’t recognize myself in the mirror anymore.

However I did see myself freaking myself out more. I had gone for blood work and thinking of endless possibilities of what the disclosure could be. In fact, I was hoping something would appear just so I could have clarity with whatever it may be. I had called for my results a week prior to my 2nd appointment. I was babysitting at the time and was getting so anxious being on hold for about 10 minutes before the nurse got on to speak to me. When she did, she was thinking she had enlightened me by telling me all blood work came back negative for anything to be concerned about. I found myself inquisitive even more and asking how… I even told the nurse she disappointed me because in that moment I really felt like I needed to be in a psychiatric hospital. I was not making this up… Now I know I have had a few loose screws but this was the tip of the iceberg for me and I couldn’t take it any longer.

I only wanted to cry because nothing felt right. There came a point where I couldn’t even hold a conversations with people at my work and I felt like my responses were so slow – I didn’t know what was real and what wasn’t, atleast it felt like it. Sensed even worse for my boyfriend because as good as he is to me, I was more anxious than usual. A few times he would have his arm around or on me at night in bed and I would fling it off and dart to the bathroom to be alone for a few minutes. I didn’t see how bad I would get overwhelmed with situations. I felt more moody and at this mark, I had also been late on my period. Now I was thinking, either I am pregnant and it was too early to detect in the blood work so I’ll have to wait a few more weeks or it was the stress of everything that had taken over.

This situation consumed me, my thoughts, and now my body.

Finally, the day had come for my appointment. Though I knew my results, I wasn’t sure what my doctor would want to do…. She tells me my blood work was normal, and then looks to me with compassion and tells me it’s my anxiety and depression. Can you believe that? 4-5 months of this bullshit for it to be only my anxiety and depression. Okay, so I have dealt with this… I live with this, it has NEVER been this bad before. I wanted to convince her it was something else. But who was I really trying to convince here, the doctor or myself? She said it was my built up stress that has caused my depression and that anxiety is just the cherry on top.

For the past two weeks, I have been taking Prozac as prescribed. Yep – That’s right! I have officially joined Prozac fucking Nation. Extremely anxious and hesitant to even take it, this was a reason I stopped taking my zoloft 3yrs ago; Because it gets worse before it gets better. I didn’t like having to rely on a pill to keep me “sane”. I found other outlets for it all but throughout time, I had fallen out of them and slowly transpired into combat… And I had only been losing against myself.

So there you have it. I ended 2017 with being another statistic and I am okay with that. I know that if I want to feel better, and genuinely be happy I will have to continue this path for a while. This journey has just started and I hope on the way I find more outlets I can stick with to help balance my chaotic emotions and ease my anxiety. It hasn’t been the easiest and I don’t expect it to be. I don’t want anybody’s pity or sorrow, I only ask for empathy amongst others. Because as I try to get clasp acceptance and understanding for thyself, I ask that others can respect the position first.

My suffering has been a blessing although I haven’t verified it yet. Despite that, I do recognize that things can be worse and they’re not. I know that I haven’t lost all hope and I am realizing that I needed to believe in more of me. However, the struggle isn’t over yet. I am stronger than my battles and I was destined to fight them – And face them head on, I shall. ♥

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Do you ever feel like your world is crashing down on you all at once?

If it’s not one thing it seems to be another…

Everything comes spiraling like a tornado in the desert – there’s nothing more you can do than crouch in the smallest area while face down and covering your head… In doing that, you pray that holding on is enough to save your well being.

It’s nature’s course; A natural disaster.

It all takes place as if you were in a deep sleep, you hear someone yelling but you can’t bring yourself to wake or really “hear” what they are yelling about.

When things come crashing down, we tend to get overwhelmed with desolation and even exasperation before eventually breaking down all together. Your thoughts tell you to “keep it together” but that isn’t the case when life brings you down… Because, when you breakdown – you stop trying… Feeling like a hopeless soul wandering around.

With that being done, you learn in those times that nothing ever remains picture perfect, things don’t always go as planned, and life does bring affliction from time to time. However, you also learn that in time – may be best to stop pushing yourself with pressure so much. Sometimes it’s better to not “figure it out”; You let it go and go with the flow of things. Because when you think about it, a million things could be going wrong in existence yet you still have a million and one things to be grateful for… Creations are full of blessings, even if you don’t realize it at first.

Often times when we find ourselves in these hardships in a period of our lives, we get caught up in the emotions, anxiety and anger with all that has happened to us. It happens, but life happens. We remain so focused on the negative that we forget to appreciate what is right. We get so caught up with the bullshit that it’s difficult to see the good around us.

So what do we do? Breathe. Take step back.

Reflect on yourself. Reflect on what’s important. Reflect on the blessings.

You may lose sight of things but never lose your faith.

Trust in Him; Pieces always come together… 🖤