People ask what it’s like living with anxiety, and to put it plainly – anxiety fucking sucks.
It’s the overthinking and breakdowns from all that has built up.
It’s getting excited to go somewhere only to bring it down because of the process in getting ready – anxiety hits you like a ton of bricks. There you have it, that is the disorder in a nutshell. It conveys you when you least expect it.
Anxiety transpires into every aspect of your life: It controls the way you think, feel – it’s your actions on a day to day basis.
Unfortunately, it feels like you’re drowning – there is no saving yourself.
In the presence of it’s upcoming: the finger biting, lip picking, leg twitching and foot tapping is just the jist of it all. Anxiety follows me like the devil on my shoulder.
My body immediately gets overstimulated and causes me to get overwhelmed in even the most minor situations.
My thoughts race faster than I can catch up with them. My eyes emerge with tears which in that moment – I could create a waterfall of them.
Living with anxiety makes me look like a stuck up asshole for numerous reasons: I hate talking on the phone, I don’t like creating conversations with strangers, I can’t ask for a condiment by myself at a restaurant, I either respond to text messages too embarrassingly fast or “years later” because I don’t want to seem like an idiot for writing something stupid.
Some days are harder than others. & it’s either I feel everything at once or I feel absolutely nothing – again, there is no in between.
I don’t mean to be a dick, but I find it hard to talk to people and normally if needing to present in front of other people – my body gets hot and I start stuttering.
It’s hard for eye contact depending on who the person is, because if I am not comfortable enough around you – I will keep distant. In the crowd, I feel like I am constantly being looked at and judged; Like everyone somehow knows all my mistakes and can see my flaws.
In groups, I am typically the quiet one given’ who we are with or where we are at. Most think I am shy, and sure. I can come across that way but really when I say I am shy, I mean that I am an anxious being and scared of making a fool of myself.
Anxiety means that I fear failing.
Anxiety means I will start freaking out over things, big or small. Anxiety means I will have to remove myself from scenes due to overthinking and because I feel my breaths getting deeper and deeper and it is only a ticking time bomb before it turns into hyperventilation.
My meltdowns will happen at the most inconvenient moments and there is nothing I can do to cease it. However, anxiety also means that I will cry in the shower or the bathroom at work because I am mentally and emotionally exhausted from my own thoughts and terrified for my own well being.
I get anxious as I type this and am so irritable and snappy – truth is, I don’t mean to be. You see, when my body gets overstimulated, I can’t handle it. I don’t know what to do with myself at times.
Even when anxious, some will never know. It isn’t always visible, it’s hard to keep composed. What do I do? Remove myself, once more. Taking myself out of the equation makes me seem stuck up or anti social.
Anxiety means nothing is ever okay, nothing is fine. Even when I say that I am, just know that that is 80% of time – it is a lie.
One things fershure, I am just trying to get through my day to day tasks. I just want to be genuinely liked and wanted; I want to be needed and consoled. I just want to feel like I belong in this world and anxiety keeps me from thinking otherwise.
Anxiety means that I am told to “calm down” or “relax” quite often. The last thing an anxious person wants to hear is that. In reality when these things are said, it in fact intensifies my reaction. It makes it worse…
Anxiety means that my stress level goes from 0-100 real quick. My fears also go into a deeper level. It’s shitty to live like this.
What those don’t understand is living anxious is more than being beyond stressed. People think they can relate and most actually romanticize it and self diagnose thinking you are the same… No, that’s not how it works. Stress and anxiety can be inherently different. People may be genuine however, doesn’t necessarily mean that your anxiety is. With that being said, when you try to be empathetic – it may be truth but it isn’t helpful.
Anxiety is toxic. Anxiety is exhausting: emotionally, mentally, and even physically.
It’s distracting, makes me forgetful, snappy, lazy and unproductive most days.
Pills are a last resort to keep sane and the last thing I want is to feel is this fucking way.
In all honesty, anxiety is being attacked from something you have no control over – it’s being brought down by something you can’t flee from.
It holds you down like an anchor…
Remember this: you’re stronger than all battles. You’re a warrior and you’re not alone. ❤
P.S. Know the DIFFERENCE between worrying and anxiety before you romanticize and claim to have it, please.