Anxiety 2 Art

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People ask what it’s like living with anxiety, and to put it plainly – anxiety fucking sucks.

It’s the overthinking and breakdowns from all that has built up.

It’s getting excited to go somewhere only to bring it down because of the process in getting ready – anxiety hits you like a ton of bricks. There you have it, that is the disorder in a nutshell. It conveys you when you least expect it.

Anxiety transpires into every aspect of your life: It controls the way you think, feel – it’s your actions on a day to day basis.

Unfortunately, it feels like you’re drowning – there is no saving yourself.

In the presence of it’s upcoming: the finger biting, lip picking, leg twitching and foot tapping is just the jist of it all. Anxiety follows me like the devil on my shoulder.

My body immediately gets overstimulated and causes me to get overwhelmed in even the most minor situations.

My thoughts race faster than I can catch up with them. My eyes emerge with tears which in that moment – I could create a waterfall of them.

Living with anxiety makes me look like a stuck up asshole for numerous reasons: I hate talking on the phone, I don’t like creating conversations with strangers, I can’t ask for a condiment by myself at a restaurant, I either respond to text messages too embarrassingly fast or “years later” because I don’t want to seem like an idiot for writing something stupid.

Some days are harder than others. & it’s either I feel everything at once or I feel absolutely nothing – again, there is no in between.

I don’t mean to be a dick, but I find it hard to talk to people and normally if needing to present in front of other people – my body gets hot and I start stuttering.

It’s hard for eye contact depending on who the person is, because if I am not comfortable enough around you – I will keep distant. In the crowd, I feel like I am constantly being looked at and judged; Like everyone somehow knows all my mistakes and can see my flaws.

In groups, I am typically the quiet one given’ who we are with or where we are at. Most think I am shy, and sure. I can come across that way but really when I say I am shy, I mean that I am an anxious being and scared of making a fool of myself.

Anxiety means that I fear failing.

Anxiety means I will start freaking out over things, big or small. Anxiety means I will have to remove myself from scenes due to overthinking and because I feel my breaths getting deeper and deeper and it is only a ticking time bomb before it turns into hyperventilation.

My meltdowns will happen at the most inconvenient moments and there is nothing I can do to cease it. However, anxiety also means that I will cry in the shower or the bathroom at work because I am mentally and emotionally exhausted from my own thoughts and terrified for my own well being.

I get anxious as I type this and am so irritable and snappy – truth is, I don’t mean to be. You see, when my body gets overstimulated, I can’t handle it. I don’t know what to do with myself at times.

Even when anxious, some will never know. It isn’t always visible, it’s hard to keep composed. What do I do? Remove myself, once more. Taking myself out of the equation makes me seem stuck up or anti social.

Anxiety means nothing is ever okay, nothing is fine. Even when I say that I am, just know that that is 80% of time – it is a lie.

One things fershure, I am just trying to get through my day to day tasks. I just want to be genuinely liked and wanted; I want to be needed and consoled. I just want to feel like I belong in this world and anxiety keeps me from thinking otherwise.

Anxiety means that I am told to “calm down” or “relax” quite often. The last thing an anxious person wants to hear is that. In reality when these things are said, it in fact intensifies my reaction. It makes it worse…

Anxiety means that my stress level goes from 0-100 real quick. My fears also go into a deeper level. It’s shitty to live like this.

What those don’t understand is living anxious is more than being beyond stressed. People think they can relate and most actually romanticize it and self diagnose thinking you are the same… No, that’s not how it works. Stress and anxiety can be inherently different. People may be genuine however, doesn’t necessarily mean that your anxiety is. With that being said, when you try to be empathetic – it may be truth but it isn’t helpful.

Anxiety is toxic. Anxiety is exhausting: emotionally, mentally, and even physically. 

It’s distracting, makes me forgetful, snappy, lazy and unproductive most days.

Pills are a last resort to keep sane and the last thing I want is to feel is this fucking way.

In all honesty, anxiety is being attacked from something you have no control overit’s being brought down by something you can’t flee from. 

It holds you down like an anchor…

Remember this: you’re stronger than all battles. You’re a warrior and you’re not alone. ❤

P.S. Know the DIFFERENCE between worrying and anxiety before you romanticize and claim to have it, please.

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Your name is always on the tip on my tongue, my lips call out for you as you’re the only one.

When our fingers intertwine, it’s like heaven without angels, because your affection is more than enough to carry my soul through all dangers.

Is this truth or reality? I don’t know if I am safe with you, but will you still come the day I tell you I need you?

You leave impressions on my heart that I will forever remember, yet how much longer will this last, givin’ we’re stubborn.

For better or worse, wrong or right- I defend your selfish wants like you’re entitled to despite.

Your skin so soft & I love the way you breathe. Your heartbeat next to mine, it puts me to sleep.

Breath taking life, I just wish you would feel, feel what’s going on- for your words are concealed.

Your actions (of reality) take place but they contradict, how am I suppose to know what’s real if you don’t show shit?

You give my body goosebumps that won’t go away. Your affection drives me as crazy as your drunken days.

Things get to me, and I am sorry that I can’t be perfect. I am too damaged, and truth is- I’m not even worth it.

I hate it when you avoid me, and even worse when you make me cry. Can’t stand that I’m so sensitive, we both know it’s ticking time?

So much has happened between us over these past few months, and it looks like you’ve said goodbye with no final touch.

No kiss, no hugs- just a bullshit text… Knew this was too good to be true, now I’m whose suffering with more overthinking thoughts.

I love you as a person- I love you as a friend, I only wish I was enough to keep this til’ the end. Your presence means more to me even on my worst days, you’re considered now and always.

This is a final note, sure to see you around and when I do, just know that my eyes go straight to you. You’re merely the person I see, your a good guy with selfish needs.

I forgive you for it all but do you forgive me? Guess time will tell, if this is meant to be, God will free.

Until’ then, your voice plays over in my head, making me feel crazier for words left unsaid.

So this is to the guy that made me fall for him over a little time, it’s your angelic eyes that pulled me in and the way you held me… I just wish you were mine.

F.P., this is for you- I’m so sorry I couldn’t make this right- but at night is when it hits and pours, tears on my pillow, I’m crying out for you more…

The Process

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Healing.

This process isn’t the easiest to do, but in order to progress, to move forward and be satisfied with one self, it’s kind of what needs to happen in order to live entirely.

It takes the act of bravery to realize and accept, as well as the act to rectify the situation.

We need to check ourselves at times and observe what’s really going on… It’s okay to take a step back because it’s critical to reflect on what is happening.

The start of healing will come with time but it’s ultimately up to you to make it happen. Nobody can heal yourself for you, why else would I say it takes bravery?

Whether it’s emotional or physical pain, you must expand the gray matter. To emerge and be free, only means to embrace all as a whole.

Now we all experience some jeopardy at different levels. Yet it’s our mental state that is what needs the tender care & support to create happiness within.

You need to stop and let go of the fear, failure, and rejection. Take care of  yourself and your mind. We need to love ourselves to the fullest of our abilities & be one factually.

Just stop and think: Please create and invent. Who do you want to be? Do you want to be the person with more worries and stress upon the shoulders? Or do you want to be a calmer form? Don’t be so critical upon a single & situations, be optimistic. Because when it comes down to it- positivity will appear as character when you start carrying it with you.

And don’t be pessimistic, if your perspective is in a constant despondent state, how do you expect good things to transpire?

Remember that all experiences come with lesson, good and bad. But even with a bad situation comes a blessing in disguise. Why? Because you learn from it. Soak in the opportunity, accept it, but don’t shun it- Handle it.

Be kind to yourself and others. Recognize that once you start healing- you will heal altogether. Be patient because it is a process: mentally, physically, and emotionally. Spiritually, you will come connected.

The mind can be a scary place, but relinquish all and feel what you’re feeling.

Come as you are & and as reminder: There is nothing wrong with you, feeling so strongly, or having such energy.

Despite life situations & challenges that come with walking the path, life is a beautiful thing to live. May not be the simplest, but with a healthy you- Triumph is possible.

Take into consideration.

Sincerly,

Alex ツ

Life is worth living & stories are worth telling.

Throughout this whole self discovery and finding balance within oneself, it’s still hard to fully believe that I am capable of achieving my long term goals. Truth, that’s where my anxiety plays a significant part…

It can be so stressful- The overthinking, over analyzing, the “what ifs & what nots”, I stress my own self out at times due to the hypothetical thinking; Cursed the mind of perpetual givin’ thoughts, it’s full of scenerios that are absolutely ridiculous and could no way in hell happen unless I fuck that up for myself- but even then, is that reality?

I have learned that even on my worst days, it’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay lose your shit, it’s okay to make mistakes, & it’s okay to even fail, however it is never okay quit. Never will I stop trying to be a better version of myself. And I damn sure won’t stop trying to better my future because I realize: I am capable of doing it. As difficult and stressful as it can be dealing with a worried soul & anxious mind, I know that nobody can stop me from what I want- Except myself. That’s where I draw the line, because I refuse to let the overthinking and breakdowns keep me from living & exceeding my full on potential.

Stronger than my battles, it doesn’t matter. I may struggle, but I won’t stop. And that’s what it is in all actuality: There will be obstacles. There will be mistakes. It is gonna be a lot of hard work… Time & Dedication- but nothing worth having ever comes easy.

I can do this.