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Before, society wanted to “stop to stigma” because mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of. However, it’s as though mental illness has been a “trend” and society tends to romanticize it nowadays.

Yes, mental illness is nothing to be ashamed nor scared of – I live with mental illness every single day of my existence, but it is also nothing to yearn for or aspire to have.

Mental illness is not beautiful. It’s living with the devil on your shoulder and bringing you down constantly. Even when you think you’re doing “fine” and exceptional, it’s still hovering over waiting to make it’s move. And let me tell you, when that shit hits – it fucking BLOWS.

You see, mental illness is so immoderate; so consuming. It’s agonizing. Mental illness takes over every aspect of your life. There is nothing beautiful about it, pain isn’t alluring.

Mental illness is not adjectives to describe how the fuck your day is going. I hear so many people say, “I’m so depressed, I failed my test.” or how their boss is so “Bipolar.” Or maybe their mom is “Psychotic”. Maybe they lost at a video game so it’s, “Wow, I’m done – I’m gonna kill myself if I lose again.”

Society throws these terms around and it’s as though the whole world self diagnoses without even understanding what they mean.

No, you’re not depressed because your package came in late. And I’m sorry love, you’re not “anorexic” because you skipped a damn meal.

Romanticizing these terms and calling them beautiful, only hurts the ones who live with them on a day to day basis. It’s a daily battle and we’re lucky if we even get out of bed or leave the house. The struggle every day is whether or not to give up, do we keep livin’ or choose to die?

Please be considerate to those around you who face these complex challenges. Pain is pain, and it hurts.

 

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Shattered Soul

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Your words stick to me like glue, but you’ll never realize – the damage you’ve caused along my brain.

It’s like a shot to my heart, causing skilled aim; your hit that only inflames my soul, drowning me in bloody shame.

What comes over you when you treat me like that?

You’re fucking me up and there’s no going back.

I never want to leave but I feel like I won’t be here much longer, because your hands on the trigger and your temper seems to get much bigger.

Maybe it’s my veracity that aggravates you or the way I gait back and forth, or maybe my screams that drive you berserk.

Well maybe it’s not me at all, maybe it’s you and having no self control. But what I don’t know won’t kill me, but it’ll surely hurt.

The more you open up pulls me in but when you belittle me, it’s like you beat me with a pistol. Your blows cause bruises along my body – until you can no longer recognize me.

Perhaps I can’t even recognize myself, therefore – Who am I anymore?

When I look in the mirror I don’t know who I’m looking at. You’ve dismembered my soul, and my bloodline runs flat.

 

When will I ever be worth it?

When will I ever be worth it?

Stopped calling names and told it’s ended.

It’s not an everyday occurrence but it might as well be, because you belittle and drown me every fucking week.

It could be the smallest of things or bickering back and forth, you end up treating me like shit making me feel like dirt.

It’s always something, or I’m “bitch”. You tell me to shut the fuck up or call it quits.

I always end up surrendering after losing my shit. What else am I suppose to do when you treat me like this?

You end up apologizing after realizing what you’ve said and done, “it’s never gonna happen again” you say, you put it on your sons.

But mistakes repeated are no longer mistakes, you’re choosing to break.

Flowers can’t always suffice for apologies, you need to change your ways.

Because if you don’t treat me right, someone else will, then what? It’s gonna be my fault why I left, you suck.

You always tell me you’re gonna be “better”, well I’m also sick of your false promises – they’re always broken.

You make me feel so low and not confident.

This is why I struggle with self worth; Your cousin did this same shit but you may be worse.

I just want to be worth it than most. I wanna mean something and be enough for it to stop. Just tell me you love me and lie, I’ll believe it eventually if not.

When will I ever be worth it?

Maybe you’ll care when I die, and you’ll regret the shitty things you done to me as you kiss me goodbye…. 😔

Relationship 101?

relationships_or_relationsinksThey are never easy and basically, it’s trial-and-error from the get go. A hit or miss, and if you’re like most it’ll probably be a miss.. Therefore, it’s a relation-SINK.

Relationships are never easy but it shouldn’t be hard to put in the work. It should be effortless, especially when both want it.

There are good times and there are bad, but what is a “healthy relationship” anyways?

A healthy relationship should be being able to communicate with one another, respect each other, boundaries, compromise – There will be a lot of compromises because love is sacrifice. Well, just as long as it’s rational! A healthy relationship should always be support; You should be building each other up, not tearing each other down.

Rule #1:

Don’t ever rely on someone for happiness, that’s not the real world. Accept yourself first and foremost. Love yourself. Take care of yourself before anyone. Remember you’re GOOD ENOUGH and you can do whatever your heart desires and you put your mind to. You don’t need to allow someone to control your happiness, your happiness should come from YOU, then you share it with them.

Rule #2:

Agreements? Disagreements? Don’t expect to always agree, in fact – it’s normal to disagree. We’re only human, and we won’t always see eye to eye. Just make sure there is that mutual respect. Respect decisions because it’s also respecting the differences in your partner.

Rule #3:

Communication is key! I always tell my boyfriend that I’m not sure what kind of relationship we have is you can’t talk to me about things. It’s super important to express and find common ground, to be able to understand the other and see perspective from their point of view.

Relationships are a learning experience. You two share it together and learn from those experiences. Take the good with that bad, accept it. Move on. Don’t hold grudges about the past shit, cus’ guarantee you – it’ll always come up later on in some argument.

Which brings me to the next,

Rule #4:

Forgiveness. That is a decision made to move on from the past. Things happen but why carry it with you? Cus’ who is it gonna hurt in the long run? It will only hurt you more than your partner and eventually destroy your relationship. Focus on what really matters in the present time. If you repeat the same shit over and over, you will both get sick and tired of it. If you learned from the past, those same mistakes and decisions shall not repeat.

Rule #5:

TRUTH. Be honest with yourself and your significant other. Don’t ever sit here and lie to protect the next or yourself, lies create such a disconnected. And we’re women honey, we find out EVERYTHING. And the truth will eventually come out. Don’t ever deny your feelings, nor’ hide from your partner. If this is going to work, it comes from both ends.

Rule #6:

Admit your faults and apologize. If you need to give your partner time and space, so be it. But you must return and explain. Whatever the situation may be, we deserve a fair chance to speak. Express yourself.

Rule #7.

Time. Quality time is critical. No matter how busy you two are, if someone wants to see you – they will make the time for you. Even the slightest bit can bring such excitement. After all, when two are together – you feel your connection.

Unraveled pt 2.

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It’s safe to say that Karma catches up.

I’ve waited for this moment for almost a year and because she came after you, now you’re running scared.

Learn to take responsibility but you’ll never change. We’re women so of course we’re all “insane”.

You proved to be no different, you’re still manipulative and vindictive – do you still drink heavy on the weekends waiting to text it?

Girl after girl, you play these victims, but what happens next that you got one pregnant?

Run little boy, run. It’s what you’re good at.

But you can’t deny that Karma caught up, she always comes back.

Poetic Sadness

No one understands what it’s like – to feel lost and lonely inside.

You wake up  wishing the pain would just go away, but it stays trapped in your mind like a vigorous wave.

Scars on my skin and scars on my soul; Some scars are exterior and others are within, they all tell a story but most stay hidden.

If you knew what went through my mind, you’d think the devil was confined. These demons have tried escaping through paper and time.

The tears I’ve cried are angels from heaven, they know I’m suffering carrying this burden.

I ask that that they keep me safe and heal my broken heart, but time will tell if I’m worth it or not.

Though this girl couldn’t be sad anymore, for I became numb. Somehow that got worse and death to a fixated curse.

Painted smiles on a face, it was the perfect disguise. It’s like a master at the brush telling infinite lies.

You see the dimples show through and a laugh so contagious, but my wrists are now stained and my eyes cry insane.

Not strong enough to continue any longer, so God take my soul – for this was too much to handle.

So I’m sorry to say that the devil has won the battle…

Now the angels cry of sadness as my funeral’s at the chapel.

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Do you ever feel like your world is crashing down on you all at once?

If it’s not one thing it seems to be another…

Everything comes spiraling like a tornado in the desert – there’s nothing more you can do than crouch in the smallest area while face down and covering your head… In doing that, you pray that holding on is enough to save your well being.

It’s nature’s course; A natural disaster.

It all takes place as if you were in a deep sleep, you hear someone yelling but you can’t bring yourself to wake or really “hear” what they are yelling about.

When things come crashing down, we tend to get overwhelmed with desolation and even exasperation before eventually breaking down all together. Your thoughts tell you to “keep it together” but that isn’t the case when life brings you down… Because, when you breakdown – you stop trying… Feeling like a hopeless soul wandering around.

With that being done, you learn in those times that nothing ever remains picture perfect, things don’t always go as planned, and life does bring affliction from time to time. However, you also learn that in time – may be best to stop pushing yourself with pressure so much. Sometimes it’s better to not “figure it out”; You let it go and go with the flow of things. Because when you think about it, a million things could be going wrong in existence yet you still have a million and one things to be grateful for… Creations are full of blessings, even if you don’t realize it at first.

Often times when we find ourselves in these hardships in a period of our lives, we get caught up in the emotions, anxiety and anger with all that has happened to us. It happens, but life happens. We remain so focused on the negative that we forget to appreciate what is right. We get so caught up with the bullshit that it’s difficult to see the good around us.

So what do we do? Breathe. Take step back.

Reflect on yourself. Reflect on what’s important. Reflect on the blessings.

You may lose sight of things but never lose your faith.

Trust in Him; Pieces always come together… 🖤