tumblr_static_let_it_go.jpg

Do you ever feel like your world is crashing down on you all at once?

If it’s not one thing it seems to be another…

Everything comes spiraling like a tornado in the desert – there’s nothing more you can do than crouch in the smallest area while face down and covering your head… In doing that, you pray that holding on is enough to save your well being.

It’s nature’s course; A natural disaster.

It all takes place as if you were in a deep sleep, you hear someone yelling but you can’t bring yourself to wake or really “hear” what they are yelling about.

When things come crashing down, we tend to get overwhelmed with desolation and even exasperation before eventually breaking down all together. Your thoughts tell you to “keep it together” but that isn’t the case when life brings you down… Because, when you breakdown – you stop trying… Feeling like a hopeless soul wandering around.

With that being done, you learn in those times that nothing ever remains picture perfect, things don’t always go as planned, and life does bring affliction from time to time. However, you also learn that in time – may be best to stop pushing yourself with pressure so much. Sometimes it’s better to not “figure it out”; You let it go and go with the flow of things. Because when you think about it, a million things could be going wrong in existence yet you still have a million and one things to be grateful for… Creations are full of blessings, even if you don’t realize it at first.

Often times when we find ourselves in these hardships in a period of our lives, we get caught up in the emotions, anxiety and anger with all that has happened to us. It happens, but life happens. We remain so focused on the negative that we forget to appreciate what is right. We get so caught up with the bullshit that it’s difficult to see the good around us.

So what do we do? Breathe. Take step back.

Reflect on yourself. Reflect on what’s important. Reflect on the blessings.

You may lose sight of things but never lose your faith.

Trust in Him; Pieces always come together… 🖤

 

Anxiety 2 Art

Anxious-Art--300x218.jpg

People ask what it’s like living with anxiety, and to put it plainly – anxiety fucking sucks.

It’s the overthinking and breakdowns from all that has built up.

It’s getting excited to go somewhere only to bring it down because of the process in getting ready – anxiety hits you like a ton of bricks. There you have it, that is the disorder in a nutshell. It conveys you when you least expect it.

Anxiety transpires into every aspect of your life: It controls the way you think, feel – it’s your actions on a day to day basis.

Unfortunately, it feels like you’re drowning – there is no saving yourself.

In the presence of it’s upcoming: the finger biting, lip picking, leg twitching and foot tapping is just the jist of it all. Anxiety follows me like the devil on my shoulder.

My body immediately gets overstimulated and causes me to get overwhelmed in even the most minor situations.

My thoughts race faster than I can catch up with them. My eyes emerge with tears which in that moment – I could create a waterfall of them.

Living with anxiety makes me look like a stuck up asshole for numerous reasons: I hate talking on the phone, I don’t like creating conversations with strangers, I can’t ask for a condiment by myself at a restaurant, I either respond to text messages too embarrassingly fast or “years later” because I don’t want to seem like an idiot for writing something stupid.

Some days are harder than others. & it’s either I feel everything at once or I feel absolutely nothing – again, there is no in between.

I don’t mean to be a dick, but I find it hard to talk to people and normally if needing to present in front of other people – my body gets hot and I start stuttering.

It’s hard for eye contact depending on who the person is, because if I am not comfortable enough around you – I will keep distant. In the crowd, I feel like I am constantly being looked at and judged; Like everyone somehow knows all my mistakes and can see my flaws.

In groups, I am typically the quiet one given’ who we are with or where we are at. Most think I am shy, and sure. I can come across that way but really when I say I am shy, I mean that I am an anxious being and scared of making a fool of myself.

Anxiety means that I fear failing.

Anxiety means I will start freaking out over things, big or small. Anxiety means I will have to remove myself from scenes due to overthinking and because I feel my breaths getting deeper and deeper and it is only a ticking time bomb before it turns into hyperventilation.

My meltdowns will happen at the most inconvenient moments and there is nothing I can do to cease it. However, anxiety also means that I will cry in the shower or the bathroom at work because I am mentally and emotionally exhausted from my own thoughts and terrified for my own well being.

I get anxious as I type this and am so irritable and snappy – truth is, I don’t mean to be. You see, when my body gets overstimulated, I can’t handle it. I don’t know what to do with myself at times.

Even when anxious, some will never know. It isn’t always visible, it’s hard to keep composed. What do I do? Remove myself, once more. Taking myself out of the equation makes me seem stuck up or anti social.

Anxiety means nothing is ever okay, nothing is fine. Even when I say that I am, just know that that is 80% of time – it is a lie.

One things fershure, I am just trying to get through my day to day tasks. I just want to be genuinely liked and wanted; I want to be needed and consoled. I just want to feel like I belong in this world and anxiety keeps me from thinking otherwise.

Anxiety means that I am told to “calm down” or “relax” quite often. The last thing an anxious person wants to hear is that. In reality when these things are said, it in fact intensifies my reaction. It makes it worse…

Anxiety means that my stress level goes from 0-100 real quick. My fears also go into a deeper level. It’s shitty to live like this.

What those don’t understand is living anxious is more than being beyond stressed. People think they can relate and most actually romanticize it and self diagnose thinking you are the same… No, that’s not how it works. Stress and anxiety can be inherently different. People may be genuine however, doesn’t necessarily mean that your anxiety is. With that being said, when you try to be empathetic – it may be truth but it isn’t helpful.

Anxiety is toxic. Anxiety is exhausting: emotionally, mentally, and even physically. 

It’s distracting, makes me forgetful, snappy, lazy and unproductive most days.

Pills are a last resort to keep sane and the last thing I want is to feel is this fucking way.

In all honesty, anxiety is being attacked from something you have no control overit’s being brought down by something you can’t flee from. 

It holds you down like an anchor…

Remember this: you’re stronger than all battles. You’re a warrior and you’re not alone. ❤

P.S. Know the DIFFERENCE between worrying and anxiety before you romanticize and claim to have it, please.

Untitled . .

tumblr_static_tumblr_static_7cok54o7t2ck08s0ggkcwwggo_640

Your name is always on the tip on my tongue, my lips call out for you as you’re the only one.

When our fingers intertwine, it’s like heaven without angels, because your affection is more than enough to carry my soul through all dangers.

Is this truth or reality? I don’t know if I am safe with you, but will you still come the day I tell you I need you?

You leave impressions on my heart that I will forever remember, yet how much longer will this last, givin’ we’re stubborn.

For better or worse, wrong or right- I defend your selfish wants like you’re entitled to despite.

Your skin so soft & I love the way you breathe. Your heartbeat next to mine, it puts me to sleep.

Breath taking life, I just wish you would feel, feel what’s going on- for your words are concealed.

Your actions (of reality) take place but they contradict, how am I suppose to know what’s real if you don’t show shit?

You give my body goosebumps that won’t go away. Your affection drives me as crazy as your drunken days.

Things get to me, and I am sorry that I can’t be perfect. I am too damaged, and truth is- I’m not even worth it.

I hate it when you avoid me, and even worse when you make me cry. Can’t stand that I’m so sensitive, we both know it’s ticking time?

So much has happened between us over these past few months, and it looks like you’ve said goodbye with no final touch.

No kiss, no hugs- just a bullshit text… Knew this was too good to be true, now I’m whose suffering with more overthinking thoughts.

I love you as a person- I love you as a friend, I only wish I was enough to keep this til’ the end. Your presence means more to me even on my worst days, you’re considered now and always.

This is a final note, sure to see you around and when I do, just know that my eyes go straight to you. You’re merely the person I see, your a good guy with selfish needs.

I forgive you for it all but do you forgive me? Guess time will tell, if this is meant to be, God will free.

Until’ then, your voice plays over in my head, making me feel crazier for words left unsaid.

So this is to the guy that made me fall for him over a little time, it’s your angelic eyes that pulled me in and the way you held me… I just wish you were mine.

F.P., this is for you- I’m so sorry I couldn’t make this right- but at night is when it hits and pours, tears on my pillow, I’m crying out for you more…

Pain of the past

tumblr_ndt8o8jcsn1rrhhiyo1_500

This is something I wrote 2 years ago when I was in a dark place…

Looking back on the pain of the past, it still haunts my mind.

Looking back on the pain of the past, who would’ve thought all this time?

It haunts me like a monster underneath my bed, but these monsters scream terrifying memories all in my head.

Making my heart feel so caved in, like I’m drowning in the ocean for all my sins.

At night is when my demons come out to play, testing my sanity of such a long way.

Surrounded by four walls, crying in the dark, it hasn’t gotten better with the time on the clock.

3am: Still drowning in my sorrows. It’s the pain of back then that feels like there’s no tomorrow.

Flashbacks of the abuse and destruction, only kill me inside. Wondering when I’ll be saved and stop sinking in the tide.

Looking back on the pain of the past, it still haunts my mind.

Looking back on the pain of the past, who would’ve thought all this time?

Will the pain of torture ever go away? I’m a piece of shit and I live it everyday.

Pain of the past, it survives in my brain. Like scars on my wrist, it’ll always remain…