Anxiety 2 Art

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People ask what it’s like living with anxiety, and to put it plainly – anxiety fucking sucks.

It’s the overthinking and breakdowns from all that has built up.

It’s getting excited to go somewhere only to bring it down because of the process in getting ready – anxiety hits you like a ton of bricks. There you have it, that is the disorder in a nutshell. It conveys you when you least expect it.

Anxiety transpires into every aspect of your life: It controls the way you think, feel – it’s your actions on a day to day basis.

Unfortunately, it feels like you’re drowning – there is no saving yourself.

In the presence of it’s upcoming: the finger biting, lip picking, leg twitching and foot tapping is just the jist of it all. Anxiety follows me like the devil on my shoulder.

My body immediately gets overstimulated and causes me to get overwhelmed in even the most minor situations.

My thoughts race faster than I can catch up with them. My eyes emerge with tears which in that moment – I could create a waterfall of them.

Living with anxiety makes me look like a stuck up asshole for numerous reasons: I hate talking on the phone, I don’t like creating conversations with strangers, I can’t ask for a condiment by myself at a restaurant, I either respond to text messages too embarrassingly fast or “years later” because I don’t want to seem like an idiot for writing something stupid.

Some days are harder than others. & it’s either I feel everything at once or I feel absolutely nothing – again, there is no in between.

I don’t mean to be a dick, but I find it hard to talk to people and normally if needing to present in front of other people – my body gets hot and I start stuttering.

It’s hard for eye contact depending on who the person is, because if I am not comfortable enough around you – I will keep distant. In the crowd, I feel like I am constantly being looked at and judged; Like everyone somehow knows all my mistakes and can see my flaws.

In groups, I am typically the quiet one given’ who we are with or where we are at. Most think I am shy, and sure. I can come across that way but really when I say I am shy, I mean that I am an anxious being and scared of making a fool of myself.

Anxiety means that I fear failing.

Anxiety means I will start freaking out over things, big or small. Anxiety means I will have to remove myself from scenes due to overthinking and because I feel my breaths getting deeper and deeper and it is only a ticking time bomb before it turns into hyperventilation.

My meltdowns will happen at the most inconvenient moments and there is nothing I can do to cease it. However, anxiety also means that I will cry in the shower or the bathroom at work because I am mentally and emotionally exhausted from my own thoughts and terrified for my own well being.

I get anxious as I type this and am so irritable and snappy – truth is, I don’t mean to be. You see, when my body gets overstimulated, I can’t handle it. I don’t know what to do with myself at times.

Even when anxious, some will never know. It isn’t always visible, it’s hard to keep composed. What do I do? Remove myself, once more. Taking myself out of the equation makes me seem stuck up or anti social.

Anxiety means nothing is ever okay, nothing is fine. Even when I say that I am, just know that that is 80% of time – it is a lie.

One things fershure, I am just trying to get through my day to day tasks. I just want to be genuinely liked and wanted; I want to be needed and consoled. I just want to feel like I belong in this world and anxiety keeps me from thinking otherwise.

Anxiety means that I am told to “calm down” or “relax” quite often. The last thing an anxious person wants to hear is that. In reality when these things are said, it in fact intensifies my reaction. It makes it worse…

Anxiety means that my stress level goes from 0-100 real quick. My fears also go into a deeper level. It’s shitty to live like this.

What those don’t understand is living anxious is more than being beyond stressed. People think they can relate and most actually romanticize it and self diagnose thinking you are the same… No, that’s not how it works. Stress and anxiety can be inherently different. People may be genuine however, doesn’t necessarily mean that your anxiety is. With that being said, when you try to be empathetic – it may be truth but it isn’t helpful.

Anxiety is toxic. Anxiety is exhausting: emotionally, mentally, and even physically. 

It’s distracting, makes me forgetful, snappy, lazy and unproductive most days.

Pills are a last resort to keep sane and the last thing I want is to feel is this fucking way.

In all honesty, anxiety is being attacked from something you have no control overit’s being brought down by something you can’t flee from. 

It holds you down like an anchor…

Remember this: you’re stronger than all battles. You’re a warrior and you’re not alone. ❤

P.S. Know the DIFFERENCE between worrying and anxiety before you romanticize and claim to have it, please.

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Welcome 2017! Here are some reminders…

  1. Take risks, for you only have one life to live. Get out of your comfort zone! Whatever happens, happens. It’s a blessing either way, if you win, you win. If not, well we all have to take a loss sometimes, but atleast you’ll be wiser- right?
  2. Think positive, you cannot live with a negative mind. Nothing good will come from critical judgement. Train your mind to see the positive in all situations, miracles are everywhere. Positivity is key, you can do this!
  3. Live freely, screw what people think or have to say. Do what makes you happy! Be you, be free, live in the moment. You’ll feel on top of the world with less cares.
  4. Be kind, this goes for yourself and others. Give a compliment to a stranger, hold doors open for people, offer them a helping hand, it doesn’t cost to be kind. It just needs a caring heart.
  5. Help people, you don’t need a reason to. Just do it, because you might be the only person who does. It’s the little things that mean the most and frankly, it goes a long way. Make a difference and be the change you wish to see in the world.
  6. Spread love, wherever you go or may be- don’t let one come to you without feeling happier. Your vibes is what’s going to attract your surroundings, make it a good one. Give hugs to one another, be at peace with those around you.
  7. Smile more, simply because you’re living and life is a beautiful journey. Smile because your smile is contagious and the world thinks so too! Plus, you still have teeth… Haha! You better show them.☺
  8. Give your all, it’s all about passion. If it’s not there, then don’t do it. But when you’re older and looking back on your years, you’ll know that you did all you could and won’t have to worry about the “what ifs” because you’d already given your best. You will be so grateful with the strength you had and how far you came since then.

The Infliction

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Do you ever feel like the weight of everybody else is on your shoulders?

Do you ever feel like you’re not going to be good enough no matter how hard you try?

Do you ever feel like nobody genuinely likes you & that people only talk to you because they feel bad for you?

It sucks and leaves you with the feeling of feeling beyond shitty.

Bad enough I tend to already worry, overthink and create absolutely ridiculous scenarios but damn- Either this anxiety thing is seriously kicking my ass or I am in all honesty losing my fucking mind. Maybe both?

We’re going to go with that so I don’t feel as bad nor straight loca for the emotions that have taken over my mind and sentiment state.

Though the constant need to feel like I need to apologize for feeling so deeply is past me, I won’t do it anymore. Just because it’s okay to feel and express yourself. So instead, I will clasp this time to self indulge in my own despondency, nobody else has to- right?

Fuck, nobody will even take the time to check in and ask if I am okay…

Even though one will most likely fib and use the typical, “I’m fine” dash, it’s still nice for somebody else to notice you haven’t been yourself lately. It’s courteous to ask how others are doing rather than shunning possible reality of their world to the side.

And that’s the point: I will always ask how someone is doing. I will always ask if somebody needs a helping hand or guide. Why is it that nobody can do that for me?

Wanna know another shitty emotion? Feeling alone… Now there’s a difference between alone and lonely. I am no way in hell lonely, however when you feel this alone and lost, it can get lonely walking the path alone with no hand to hold onto & nobody to talk to.

Did I just contradict myself? Eh, who cares? Life is contradicting itself so I pity those who live their life like Mary fucking sunshine, alright.

Because real life problems do exist and people are living proof of disorders and life issues arise every day. Like a flock of fucking seagulls, this shit just hits me suddenly. There is no denying that. And what’s even worse is that I can’t help but feel EVERTHING at once.

It’s either the concern of everything or utterly nothing. Why is it these two cannot differentiate? Do you readers notice the questions I have questioned? Oh, and there goes another. Because this is what happens in my mind. A 1000 questions zoom through faster than speedy gonzales.

For those of you who don’t know me too well and tell me how joyous I always am because I am always smiling, laughing or shimming (which is a stupid dance I do), think again.

This is documentation on what nights are living with these disorder is and know that, this is only the beginning and nothing compared to the horrendous thoughts that actually come across my brain.

I once read that all emotional pain lasts 12 minutes, anything longer than that is self-inflicted. Call me skeptical, but I didn’t ask for this.

Okay, I don’t ask to feel like shit on sleepless nights and overthink every little thing in my life. I don’t ask for the tears that creep down my pillow at 2am or the constant battle of thinking what is it that I am doing wrong.

I hate this feeling, and sometimes I just don’t want to feel altogether.

Because it is exhausting- To be tired of being tired, fucking sucks balls.

If I knew the answers, I wouldn’t ask for help.

To strangers and friends reading this: I’m here, always.

And for those who live the same way I do, it’s not a bad life- just a bad night.

You’re a warrior battling yourself. Don’t give up! It’s nights like this that make us lose our shit but stronger than before…

& Lastly, thank you to whoever took the time to read and check out my blog. Embrace yourself, walking the path to life isn’t easy, but it’s a beautiful struggle. ♥

The Process

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Healing.

This process isn’t the easiest to do, but in order to progress, to move forward and be satisfied with one self, it’s kind of what needs to happen in order to live entirely.

It takes the act of bravery to realize and accept, as well as the act to rectify the situation.

We need to check ourselves at times and observe what’s really going on… It’s okay to take a step back because it’s critical to reflect on what is happening.

The start of healing will come with time but it’s ultimately up to you to make it happen. Nobody can heal yourself for you, why else would I say it takes bravery?

Whether it’s emotional or physical pain, you must expand the gray matter. To emerge and be free, only means to embrace all as a whole.

Now we all experience some jeopardy at different levels. Yet it’s our mental state that is what needs the tender care & support to create happiness within.

You need to stop and let go of the fear, failure, and rejection. Take care of  yourself and your mind. We need to love ourselves to the fullest of our abilities & be one factually.

Just stop and think: Please create and invent. Who do you want to be? Do you want to be the person with more worries and stress upon the shoulders? Or do you want to be a calmer form? Don’t be so critical upon a single & situations, be optimistic. Because when it comes down to it- positivity will appear as character when you start carrying it with you.

And don’t be pessimistic, if your perspective is in a constant despondent state, how do you expect good things to transpire?

Remember that all experiences come with lesson, good and bad. But even with a bad situation comes a blessing in disguise. Why? Because you learn from it. Soak in the opportunity, accept it, but don’t shun it- Handle it.

Be kind to yourself and others. Recognize that once you start healing- you will heal altogether. Be patient because it is a process: mentally, physically, and emotionally. Spiritually, you will come connected.

The mind can be a scary place, but relinquish all and feel what you’re feeling.

Come as you are & and as reminder: There is nothing wrong with you, feeling so strongly, or having such energy.

Despite life situations & challenges that come with walking the path, life is a beautiful thing to live. May not be the simplest, but with a healthy you- Triumph is possible.

Take into consideration.

Sincerly,

Alex ツ

Breakups

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It’s inevitable- Feelings suck, and breakups do too.

Nevertheless painful, it’s something we all must go through… For better or worse, these feelings change us as in individual; And can make one feel as low as the bottom of the ocean which can seem interminable.

The constant reflections of what is was, what could have been, and why it wasn’t arise like carrots in the dirt. Along the way comes the torturous self blame & the emotional inflicted questioning for everything that had ever gone wrong in the relationship. You question yourself- Why? How did this happen? What went wrong?  Then it all hits… The doubt of self worth: Why wasn’t I good enough?

Let me tell you something, yes you. To whomever reading this: Whether you went through a break up or are presently going through it- It may seem like it doesn’t get easier, but it will. Okay, maybe it doesn’t necessarily get “easier”, but you learn how to cope and I promise that in the end- You will survive. There’s no avoiding the pain your heart feels, you may not be able to fill that void, but I challenge you…

To let the pain sink in; Grieve. Cry when you have too, confide in a friend. Go for a run, hell! Even scream if you need too. Though it is important, important to feel what’s going on internally. Listen to your heart, but don’t blame yourself for something you had no control over. & That’s the thing: Shits going to happen in life that you can’t stop, but that’s no reason to harp and manifest on your own self worth.

You are worth it.

I know, 100% what it’s like and I still have my days and go through it. What do you expect? Being in love with that person for 6yrs, feelings don’t just go away with the switch of a light. Truth is, I don’t know if they ever will. My heart still aches and there’s not one day that goes by that I don’t think about the girl that stole my love and ran with it…

Some days are better than others, but when it hits- IT SINKS THE F*CK IN.

There are days where I burst into tears like I did the night it ended. To know what it’s like to lay awake all hours of the night questioning what I could have done to keep us alive, honestly- nothing. There’s so much crap I could write that I go through or what happens when I deal with the pain, but think about this and hear me out…

The 1st time you start questioning your self worth because of a relationship, shouldn’t that tell you something about THE relationship itself? It’s not you, I mean- We all have our moments, we make mistakes and fuck up; It’s called being human… But when you find yourself loathing over not being good enough when you have given all efforts and time, when you find yourself crying in the shower because you wonder what more you could possibly do when YOU are the only one determined to make it work- It’s not you.

Believe that.

You’re not perfect, you never will be. In fact, nothing in life is ever going to run the way you want it, and no matter what relationship you get into, it will be a lot of work. Relationships take time but putting the work in should be easy and effortless when you both want it. Nothing worth having comes easy. However. When you have an understanding of each other and see eye to eye, that’s when the relationship is benefiting you as well as your partner. And if you’re not getting back what you’re putting in, the effort isn’t equivalent, maybe you should rethink the relationship. Because again, the day you start self loathing in doubt, that’s not alright.

Breakups are hard, yes. We have to got through these times, they perceive as they may be never ending, but you will get through it. I promise you’ll be okay. In going through these difficult days, you’ll come to realize you’re stronger than you think. You’ll discover things about yourself as I have done, you will realize that THAT person doesn’t define you as a whole & never did; That person wasn’t even worthy of your love; & That person may have broken your heart but someone is gonna hurt them as they did to you…

You will realize one day, the breakup was the most hurtful yet rewarding thing to go through. Because you’re going to continue to grow and find yourself, you will learn to cope with life situations and realizing your own self love is the most important love to have. If you can’t nurture and love yourself first, you cannot give it to another.

So remember even on your worst days: You as a human being are worth every inch, and to love yourself. Know that- You will get through this, you’re reading from living proof.

Much love & Take care,

Alex ♥